Safe from the Losing Fight

I typically don’t write about my cartoon obsession here, but I recently ran across one that seemed appropriate.

This is Zits from 7/14/2007, in which Jeremy, the main character, learns a harsh reality about life.

I bring this up on my blog because I became more acutely aware of how much “that FICA dude” was getting when I became self employed. When you start writing the checks yourself, as opposed to your employer taking the money out before you even see it, there is an even more stark realization.

When contracting, I get to see lots of code. Some of it is good, some of it bad, and some just leaves me scratching my head.

For example, I came across this today:

//ASSERT(1);

Apparently things had gotten so bad for this programmer that he needed to make sure 1 still evaluated to true. I’ve had days like that. Better yet, when done, he just commented the line out, helpfully allowing future developers to quickly make use of his wisdom.

Such a philanthropist.

Avast, ye land lubbers, forget not that today is International Talk like a Pirate Day.

So let’s hear some “avasts” and “ayes” out of ye, or be keelhauled!

Aaarrrrrr!

Looking for an easy way to increase traffic to your website? Simply follow one or more of these steps to see a dramatic change in your hits!

1. Pretend that you are expert of some kind, and write a blog entry on how to increase traffic to your blog. The fact that your girlfriend is the only one who reads your blog is immaterial.
2. Find a colorful, festive way to off yourself. In your will, nominate yourself for a Darwin Award. Be sure to include the URL to your blog in your nomination (you won’t believe how many people forget that part).
3. Attempt some sort of criminal activity in which you are embarrassingly foiled by someone who wears diapers. For example, being beaten senseless with dentures wielded by a 93 year old man in a wheelchair, whom you were trying to mug. When being put into the police car, yell out the URL for your blog. Fark will pick the story up immediately.
4. Per Wil Shipley, simply add the phrase “Kyle orton drunk”, and you will be rolling in hits.
5. In the late 90’s start a blog with an obscure, technical name. Post links to technical news, anime, and other geekery. Later, the unemployed and/or students who love Linux and not paying for stuff you might be advertising, will flock to your site and remove any value it might have had.
6. Create a blog with a name that’s a derivative of a curse word. Until you have actual content to put up, use a placeholder that is a picture of a squirrel with a peculiar glandular problem. Later, post links about criminals getting beaten up by 93 year olds in wheelchairs.
7. Read the hundreds of posts on how to increase traffic to your site, and determine that that’s too much work. Instead, write about what your cat, Mittens, threw up this morning. Despite the odds, cat lovers will flock to your site, eager to tell you how cute that is, and what their cat just left in the litter-box.
8. Browse over to Dave Barry’s blog to get ideas. Think, “I could have a much better haircut than that!” Scoff at his writing since he retired. Pretend that its your blog.
9. Find a way to insult Muslims and/or the Koran, such as drawing a cartoon. Have a well-known cleric declare a jihad on you. In a press release, mention your exact location will be posted daily on your blog. Watch the death threats, erm traffic, roll in.
10. Write an article on how this will be “The Year of Linux” and how much better it will be than Windows. Be sure to abbreviate Microsoft as M$ a lot. Post it where the unemployed and/or students can find it. Prepare to be slashdotted.

Some of these might even be legal in your state!

Lately there’s been a lot of hoopla and fussing about Netscape’s proposal to attract and keep top Digg submitters by offering them money. Kevin Rose of Digg and others argue that people contribute to Digg because they enjoy it. On the other hand, Jason Calacanis of Netscape argues that the top submitters make the site, and therefore they should be paid for their work, and please, for the love of Pete, pay attention to him for once. This debate has gone on ad nauseam, but has yet to end. Mainly because Calacanis hasn’t run out of dumb things to say, and I haven’t had a chance to get my two cents in.

What people have failed to ask so far is: what does the consumer think? There are countless internet users who have not had the chance to weigh in on this all important issue, some of whom actually have actually heard of these two sites. In order to facilitate this discussion, I will speak for the consumers. No need to thank me, I accept large cash donations.

The first question on every consumer’s mind is: “who are we talking about again?” Despite the very public sparing of two unknown geeks on their personal blogs, not many people have heard of these sites. So the first step in helping consumers weigh in is to let them know what they’re fighting about, and to make fun of some websites that have more visitors than me.

Digg is a relatively new Web 2.0 company*. Despite their name and logo, they will not install a new underground pool for you, so you can put the phone down now. Digg is a website that allows users to see what stories are currently “hot” in the technology world. Although this might sound similar to Slashdot or something else you won’t care about, I can assure you it is totally different in who gets all the money. Unlike the totalitarian regime imposed on Slashdot by CmdrTaco (Is he really a commander? Is he really a taco?), users of Digg can actually submit and vote on stories they like. This is the allegedly “social” part of the website, which should give you an inkling of much SPF they require in their sunscreen. If a lot of people “digg” a story, then it gets moved to the front page. Instead of having stories decided by an editor, they are decided on by people who like to click shiny, gradient filled buttons and see their names on the front page of a geek website.

The Netscape name has been around for longer than most people can remember, let alone tolerate. Throughout its history, people have been amazed at Netscape’s ability to create products they desperately don’t need. Whether it be a web browser, server software, a web portal, a low cost ISP, or a rip off of Digg, people have responded resoundingly with the click of their web browsers. And they have said: “Didn’t these guys used to have a browser?” In Netscape’s recent bid to get attention, they have cloned Digg, and created many innovations based on what was already there. Their main innovations being: changing the word “Digg” to “Vote” and not having any users.

The next question most consumers will have is: “what’s in it for me?” Consumers are busy emailing that latest chain letter from Bill Gates to their grandmother, and will want to know why either site deserves their attention. Sure Netscape wants to pay the top submitters, but how about the people who just read these sites or frequently ignore them? How much they are worth? Sadly, not much research has been done in this area. I could only find one article, titled YouTube, Digg, MySpace: How much is a non-paying ‘user’ worth?. I would have found more, but it was the only one posted on Digg. Readers of this article will be impressed by the author’s ability quote herself repeatedly, not answer the question that she herself posed, and to refer to consumers who might just click on a banner ad as “freeloaders.”

It is clear from this article that more research needs to be done. Consumers cannot make such important decisions like which free news-aggregation web site to visit on so little information. I volunteer to take this on, and I can assure you I have the integrity of John C Dvorak. Up until this point neither Digg or Netscape have been giving me any money. I propose that they both start giving me money, and then I can decide if I’m more likely to visit their site or even click on banner ads or not. For phase two, they could give me more money, and then I judge if that increases their chances any. This is vital to the scientific process.

Finally, customers will want to know “Does the roe over Digg and Netscape mean we’re going to see a nerd slap fight?” Yes, but only in the virtual sense. I’m guessing both Kevin and Jason bruise easily and will avoid a physical confrontation and direct sunlight. Although, Jason might have other plans since his recent declaration of love for Kevin. Who knows, maybe this is just the prelude of Netscape being the latest clone of Match.com.

* Web 2.0 means they don’t make any actual “money”.